index.md 2.6KB
title: Email Greetings for Modern Times
url: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/email-greetings-for-modern-times
hash_url: ec3d02a88d
Hi Steve.
Hope the air where you are is somewhat breathable today! Just wanted to circle back around on that report.
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Dear Judy,
I hope this finds you without a collapsed power grid. :(
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Jim,
What a toxic spill, huh? Bigger than the last three! Anyway, wondering if you’re free for dinner Tuesday?
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Trish!
Hope you had a great vacay and that all of that neo-Nazi hoopla didn’t put too much of a damper on things at the waterpark.
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Hi there, Tom.
I know the floodwaters are getting higher, and you’re preparing to evacuate, but wondering if you had a chance to look over my résumé?
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To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing for an update regarding my coffee table delivery, assuming you were able to source wood from somewhere on the planet. Please respond when you have a moment.
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Greetings!
Hope you’re keeping cool in these 143 degrees. I’d love to get that meeting on the books before the pavement buckles.
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How’s it hanging, Fred? As promised, here’s the twelve-step action plan for defeating the woke mob. (FYI: the hats are back-ordered.)
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Hey lady! Just wondering if you were able to “get your tonsils removed” in Chicago as discussed. I know that “getting your tonsils removed” can be a scary undertaking for women these days. Were you able to successfully “get your tonsils removed”? Or do you still want our old Pack-n-Play?
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Bob!
How’s the boil water notice goin’ for ya? We still on target for that presentation?
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Thanks for reaching out, Carol. Was great to see you at the fundraiser last week. Really unfortunate about all the pigeon pox stuff, but still a successful event. CDC says the rash should stay confined to the tongue, so that’s a bit of good news.
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Sherry,
So sorry for the late email, but wondering if Tyler could catch a ride to school in your armored tank tomorrow? No worries if already full.
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Greetings from the 12th Ward, Non-Malarial Zone: I am writing to inquire about your recent apartment listing.