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  1. title: Hitting The Wall
  2. url: https://glyph.twistedmatrix.com/2016/09/hitting-the-wall.html
  3. hash_url: bee6c7038a9a47838ad362260a8339db
  4. <p>I’m an introvert.</p>
  5. <p>I say that with a full-on appreciation of
  6. <a href="http://the-toast.net/2014/11/10/sorry-murdered-everyone-im-introvert/">just how awful</a>
  7. thinkpieces on “introverts” are.</p>
  8. <p>However, I feel compelled to write about this today because of a certain type
  9. of social pressure that a certain type of introvert faces. Specifically, I am
  10. a <em>high-energy</em> introvert.</p>
  11. <p>Cementing this piece’s place in the hallowed halls of <em>just awful</em> thinkpieces,
  12. allow me to compare my mild cognitive fatigue with the plight of those
  13. suffering from chronic illness and disability<sup id="fnref:1"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:1" rel="footnote">1</a></sup>. There’s a social phenomenon
  14. associated with many chronic illnesses,
  15. <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com">“but you don’t LOOK sick”</a>, where
  16. well-meaning people will look at someone who is suffering, with no obvious
  17. symptoms, and imply that they really <em>ought</em> to be able to “be normal”.</p>
  18. <p>As a high-energy introvert, I frequently participate in social events. I go to
  19. meet-ups and conferences and I engage in plenty of
  20. <a href="http://pyvideo.org/speaker/glyph.html">public speaking</a>. I am, in a sense,
  21. comfortable extemporizing in front of large groups of strangers.</p>
  22. <p>This all sounds like extroverted behavior, I know. But there’s a key
  23. difference.</p>
  24. <p>Let me posit two axes for personality type: on the X axis, “introvert” to
  25. “extrovert”, and on the Y, “low energy” up to “high energy”.</p>
  26. <p>The X axis describes <em>what kinds of activities give you energy</em>, and the Y axis
  27. describes <em>how large your energy reserves are for the other type</em>.</p>
  28. <p>Notice that I didn’t say which type of activity you <em>enjoy</em>.</p>
  29. <p>Most people who would self-describe as “introverts” are in the
  30. low-energy/introvert quadrant. They have a small amount of energy available
  31. for social activities, which they need to frequently re-charge by doing
  32. solitary activities. As a result of frequently running out of energy for
  33. social activities, they don’t <em>enjoy</em> social activities.</p>
  34. <p>Most people who would self-describe as “extroverts” are also on the
  35. “low-energy” end of the spectrum. They have low levels of patience for
  36. solitary activity, and need to re-charge by spending time with friends, going
  37. to parties, etc, in order to have the mental fortitude to sit still for a while
  38. and focus. Since they can endlessly get more energy from the company of
  39. others, they tend to enjoy social activities quite a bit.</p>
  40. <p>Therefore we have certain behaviors we expect to see from “introverts”. We
  41. expect them to be shy, and quiet, and withdrawn. When someone who behaves this
  42. way has to bail on a social engagement, this is expected. There’s a certain
  43. affordance for it. If you spend a few hours with them, they may be initially
  44. friendly but will visibly become uncomfortable and withdrawn.</p>
  45. <p>This “energy” model of personality is of course an oversimplification - it’s my
  46. personal belief that everyone needs some balance of privacy and socialization
  47. and solitude and eventually overdoing one or the other will be bad for anyone -
  48. but it’s a useful one.</p>
  49. <p>As a <em>high</em>-energy introvert, my behavior often confuses people. I’ll show up
  50. at a week’s worth of professional events, be the life of the party, go out to
  51. dinner at all of them, and then disappear for a month. I’m not visibily shy -
  52. quite the opposite, I’m a gregarious raconteur. In fact, I quite <em>visibly</em>
  53. enjoy the company of friends. So, usually, when I try to explain that I am
  54. quite introverted, this claim is met with (quite understandable) skepticism.</p>
  55. <p>In fact, I am quite functionally what society expects of an “extrovert” - until
  56. I hit the wall.</p>
  57. <hr />
  58. <p>In endurance sports, one is said to
  59. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitting_the_wall">“hit the wall”</a> at the point
  60. where all the short-term energy reserves in one’s muscles are exhausted, and
  61. there is a sudden, dramatic loss of energy. Regardless, many people <em>enjoy</em>
  62. endurance sports; part of the challenge of them is properly managing your
  63. energy.</p>
  64. <p>This is true for me and social situations. I do <em>enjoy</em> social situations
  65. quite a bit! But they are nevertheless quite taxing for me, and without
  66. prolonged intermissions of solitude, eventually I get to the point where I can
  67. no longer behave as a normal social creature without an excruciating level of
  68. effort and anxiety.</p>
  69. <p>Several years ago, I attended a prolonged social event<sup id="fnref:2"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:2" rel="footnote">2</a></sup> where I hit the
  70. wall, hard. The event itself was several hours too long for me, involved
  71. meeting lots of strangers, and in the lead-up to it I hadn’t had a weekend to
  72. myself for a few weeks due to work commitments and family stuff. Towards the
  73. end I noticed I was developing a completely
  74. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reduced_affect_display">flat affect</a>, and had to
  75. start very consciously performing even basic body language, like looking at
  76. someone while they were talking or smiling. I’d never been so exhausted and
  77. numb in my life; at the time I thought I was just stressed from work.</p>
  78. <p>Afterwards though, I started having a lot of weird nightmares,
  79. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flashback_(psychology)">even during the daytime</a>.
  80. This concerned me, since I’d never had such a severe reaction to a social
  81. situation, and I didn’t have good language to describe it. It was also a
  82. little perplexing that what was effectively a nice party, the first half of
  83. which had even been fun for me, would cause such a persistent negative reaction
  84. after the fact. After some research, I eventually discovered that such
  85. involuntary thoughts are
  86. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder">a hallmark of PTSD</a>.</p>
  87. <p>While I’ve managed to avoid this level of exhaustion before or since, this was
  88. a real learning experience for me that the consequences of incorrectly managing
  89. my level of social interaction can be quite severe.</p>
  90. <p>I’d rather not do that again.</p>
  91. <hr />
  92. <p>The reason I’m writing this, though<sup id="fnref:3"><a class="footnote-ref" href="#fn:3" rel="footnote">3</a></sup>, is not to avoid future anxiety. My
  93. social energy reserves are quite large enough, and I now have enough
  94. self-knowledge, that it is extremely unlikely I’d ever find myself in that
  95. situation again.</p>
  96. <p>The reason I’m writing is to help people understand that <em>I’m not blowing them
  97. off because I don’t like them</em>. Many times now, I’ve declined or bailed an
  98. invitation from someone, and later heard that they felt hurt that I was
  99. passive-aggressively refusing to be friendly.</p>
  100. <p>I certainly understand this reaction. After all, if you see someone at a party
  101. and they’re clearly having a great time and chatting with everyone, but then
  102. when <em>you</em> invite them to do something, they say “sorry, too much social
  103. stuff”, that seems like a pretty passive-aggressive way to respond.</p>
  104. <p>You might even still be skeptical after reading this. “Glyph, if you were
  105. <em>really</em> an introvert, surely, I would have seen you looking a <em>little</em> shy and
  106. withdrawn. Surely I’d see <em>some</em> evidence of stage fright before your talks.”</p>
  107. <p>But that’s exactly the problem here: no, you wouldn’t.</p>
  108. <p>At a social event, since I have lots of energy to begin with, I’ll build up a
  109. head of steam on burning said energy that no low-energy introvert would ever
  110. risk. If I were to run out of social-interaction-juice, I’d be in the middle
  111. of a big crowd telling a long and elaborate story when I find myself exhausted.
  112. If I hit the wall in that situation, I can’t feel a little awkward and make
  113. excuses and leave; I’ll be stuck creepily faking a smile like a sociopath and
  114. frantically looking for a way out of the converstaion for an hour, as the
  115. pressure from a large crowd of people rapidly builds up months worth of
  116. nightmare fuel from my spiraling energy deficit.</p>
  117. <p>Given that I know that’s what’s going to happen, <em>you won’t see me</em> when I’m
  118. close to that line. You won’t be in at my desk when I silently sit and type
  119. for a whole day, or on my couch when I quietly read a book for ten hours at a
  120. time. My solitary side is, by definition, hidden.</p>
  121. <p>But, if I don’t show up to your party, I promise: it’s not you, it’s me.</p>
  122. <div class="footnote">
  123. <hr />
  124. <ol>
  125. <li id="fn:1">
  126. <p>In all seriousness: this is a comparison of <em>kind</em> and not of <em>degree</em>.
  127. I absolutely do not have any illusions that my minor mental issues are a
  128. serious disability. They are - by definition, since I do not have a
  129. diagnosis - subclinical. I am describing a minor annoyance and frequent
  130. miscommunication in this post, not a personal tragedy.&#160;<a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:1" rev="footnote" title="Jump back to footnote 1 in the text">&#8617;</a></p>
  131. </li>
  132. <li id="fn:2">
  133. <p>I’ll try to keep this anonymous, so hopefully you can’t guess - I don’t
  134. want to make anyone feel bad about this, since it was my poor
  135. time-management and not their (lovely!) event which caused the problem.&#160;<a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:2" rev="footnote" title="Jump back to footnote 2 in the text">&#8617;</a></p>
  136. </li>
  137. <li id="fn:3">
  138. <p>... aside from the hope that maybe someone else has had trouble
  139. explaining the same thing, and this will be a useful resource for them ...&#160;<a class="footnote-backref" href="#fnref:3" rev="footnote" title="Jump back to footnote 3 in the text">&#8617;</a></p>
  140. </li>
  141. </ol>
  142. </div>