title: Email Greetings for Modern Times
url: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/email-greetings-for-modern-times
hash_url: ec3d02a88dc8597c24f1b32b9cf51d41

<p>Hi Steve.</p>
<p>Hope the air where you are is somewhat breathable today! Just wanted to circle back around on that report.</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Dear Judy,</p>
<p>I hope this finds you without a collapsed power grid. :(</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Jim,</p>
<p>What a toxic spill, huh? Bigger than the last three! Anyway, wondering if you’re free for dinner Tuesday?</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Trish!</p>
<p>Hope you had a great vacay and that all of that neo-Nazi hoopla didn’t put too much of a damper on things at the waterpark.</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Hi there, Tom.</p>
<p>I know the floodwaters are getting higher, and you’re preparing to evacuate, but wondering if you had a chance to look over my résumé?</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>To Whom It May Concern:</p>
<p>I am writing for an update regarding my coffee table delivery, assuming you were able to source wood from somewhere on the planet. Please respond when you have a moment.</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Greetings!</p>
<p>Hope you’re keeping cool in these 143 degrees. I’d love to get that meeting on the books before the pavement buckles.</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>How’s it hanging, Fred? As promised, here’s the twelve-step action plan for defeating the woke mob. (<span class="caps">FYI</span>: the hats are back-ordered.)</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Hey lady! Just wondering if you were able to “get your tonsils removed” in Chicago as discussed. I know that “getting your tonsils removed” can be a scary undertaking for women these days. Were you able to successfully “get your tonsils removed”? Or do you still want our old Pack-n-Play?</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Bob!</p>
<p>How’s the boil water notice goin’ for ya? We still on target for that presentation?</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Thanks for reaching out, Carol. Was great to see you at the fundraiser last week. Really unfortunate about all the pigeon pox stuff, but still a successful event. <span class="caps">CDC</span> says the rash should stay confined to the tongue, so that’s a bit of good news.</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Sherry,</p>
<p>So sorry for the late email, but wondering if Tyler could catch a ride to school in your armored tank tomorrow? No worries if already full.</p>
<p class="break">- - -</p><p>Greetings from the 12th Ward, Non-Malarial Zone: I am writing to inquire about your recent apartment listing.</p>
